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Abandon a bagel -- I was never a big fan -- and a brooding, bleached-blond bimbo, a real bang-up job for a brand loyalist like me. Her name was easy to remember and didn't start with a B, which were (and are) my only criteria for an ideal mate. I'm looking for someone who can look for someone for me. I'm not really a "yard work" kind of guy. I'm not really a "chew my own food and swallow" kind of guy, you know what I mean? I'm a lobbyist, I lobby for hotel lobbies, the really expensive ones. I can talk my way out of anything, and people say that makes me a jerk. But I'm a man of modest means. I drink my own piss. I don't have a mattress, I just sleep on stacks of those orange vanilla wafers. Store-brand. I wear a functioning three-piece suit made of flattened boxes of Frosted Flakes, and the sounds of scuttling insects keep me awake at night. So does my sleep apnea and kidney stones, that makes thirteen of them this year. I'm actually a mess, really, I'm probably not long for this world. But I'm short on cab fare, my hair's thinning, and my smile's nine miles wide.

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from Can't Date a Flannel Dilettante, released December 3, 2017

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Jeremy Vagrant College Park, Maryland

Bum dropout, preemptive surname, shallots, scamps, jubilee

Formerly of Malaise. I write and record stories and things like that

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