I am the vegan to surpass all vegans. I'm a Super Vegan. I'm gonna put them all to shame, because none of them care about animals as much as I do. Me, I care, more than YOU. Me. I refuse to eat anything that at any point existed within a 45-mile radius of a living thing. It's wrong. I think a lot of things are wrong. Most things, actually. I don't drink cow milk, and I won't allow my friends to either. I demand they raid human milk from local hospitals or the homes of unsuspecting mothers. I only associate with milk thieves and those who engage in other acts of vegan debauchery. My friends and I all work at a natural birthing center, we don't use unnecessary or unnatural things like epidurals. Just regular, painful birth. In fact, we strive to make it as painful as possible, and provide our clients with a harsh and inhospitable environment. The women are forced to lie on a pile of damp leaves while our orderlies release flies and other insects into the room to create that earthy feel. Just as nature intended! But I digress. You wanna know the secret to my success as a vegan? You really want to know? It's a little weird, but I'll let you in on it, just between us vegans. We gotta stick together, right?

So the first thing you're gonna need to do is fuck some chickens. Like, anywhere between a couple and a few chickens. Just one won't do. This is to strengthen up your body and get you used to coming into contact with our feathered friends. Make sure you don't penetrate them too forcefully, though. No need to traumatize them any more than what's required. So once you've been intimate with the birds, the next thing you'll want to do is get an intravenous transfusion of pure chicken blood. Do NOT dilute or contaminate the sample in any way. This step is absolutely paramount, as it enables you to form a psychic link with chickens so that you may truly understand their pain and eternal despair. Only then are you ready to learn the sacred vegan arts passed down by our forebears, the bird men of old. Although archaic by today's standards, their practices will quickly become second nature to you. To begin, you must stop flushing away your solid waste; instead, you will deposit it in an opaque receptable that you're to carry with you at all times. In my case, this is a shoebox (which I affectionately refer to as my shitbox), but anything that blocks sunlight will do just fine. It's important to note that direct exposure to the sun's harmful rays will drain your stool of its power, and that power is the key. Allow me to explain: I'm sure you know that waste is anything our bodies can't use for nutrients and all that. But the thing is, our brains only use like, ten percent of our food. I mean, I'm pretty sure. I read about it in a magazine. A VEGAN magazine.

So you see, when we defecate, we're actually getting rid of precious vitamins and minerals, and that's not cool, you know? Now, once you've got yourself a good week's worth of feces, it's time to cultivate it. Bring your scat to an officially certified guru of the elusive Watusi tribe. Tell no one of your destination. Once there, reveal the contents of your box to him, and he will speak seven mystical words that you must remember above all else -- on subsequent visits, you will be the one to utter them. He will then perform the Vegan Sacrament, and it is forbidden to look at or speak to him while he does this. When he's finished, you will obtain about nine or ten vegan beans. Congrautlations! This is the concentrated extract of your shit. You're nearly done! Get an ordinary glass of water and crush a bean into it. Drink the mixture, and then immediately go run for about a half mile. Sending the bean through your digestive system will purify it one last time, bringing you to the final step. Grab a cup and squat down, and your asshole will begin to excrete a kind of — well, it's sort of like a colorless ooze, really. Don't mind the smell, it's perfectly safe. Simply spread the ooze on some toast and eat it dry. Repeat as needed for immortality and social superiority.