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Brood on Your Birthday

from Can't Date a Flannel Dilettante by Jeremy Vagrant

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I've got a little over two decades now, and 80 pouches of low-calorie fruit snacks I won't share with anyone. I've got an axe to grind, a bone to pick, some beef to squash, again and again. It's disarming to know that none of it ever made a dent. All I want for my birthday is for the flies to lay their eggs in my roommates' beds, a grand investment until Christmas when there'll be hundreds of them. Save some money away for the incoming relief fund. Tell your friends. It's quite a view I've got — a drop that'd probably break my bones, people pretending it's nice outside, a summer that never ends. Lines I forgot to use, like petroleum jelly and confetti, gathering dust in some forlorn corner of a room I never thought I'd be so happy to leave. You can see right through me, and I regret to inform you that idiosyncrasies a man does not make. They can get you pretty close, though. Enough that sometimes I think I'm worthy of what I have now, a rabbit well-versed in occasional therapy, smarter than you or me or the aborted offspring of Andy Kaufman and Jesus; and twice as kind, without trying and without incentive. But that's a fleeting high, a fever dream, a result I never earned, good television, a kitchen floor free of slime or stink. Stay for dinner and stay your execution. Looking forward to it.

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from Can't Date a Flannel Dilettante, released December 3, 2017

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Jeremy Vagrant College Park, Maryland

Bum dropout, preemptive surname, shallots, scamps, jubilee

Formerly of Malaise. I write and record stories and things like that

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